Crack for Good

So I might have been watching Fat Actress on Netflix. And Kirstie Allie might have been cleaning out her fridge in her demolished kitchen when she pulled out a cake from 1998. I think it was filmed in 2005.

"1998, that's not possible....I can't believe this is good after 6 years." She then gave a bite to someone else to try telling them she had just purchased it last week and they said it tasted fine.

It's like a little piece of Vintage Meats on my laptop, only she got paid for her work! :)

I Was Given An Old Drink

It was mango something or other and expired in March, I think on the 31st. The evidence was confiscated before I could photograph it but vintage foods are coming at me left and right. This person didn't even know I do this.

The sad thing is, it was mango flavored and delicious. I hate mango flavored things, maybe they just have to be old...

Heh heh.

It's Refrigerator Cleaning Time

I found this which made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Actually a whole lot. I think it was sour cream but I don't know why it's in tupperware.


I found this with no top so although it might have made it, it didn't have a chance. I would have eaten it too, it's not even vintage.

And a sad, dried up and moldy grapefruit. I'm sorry grapefruit.

Vintage Seeds - An Update & A New Challenge

I can't see that any of the vintage seeds from my earlier post have grown over a month after they were planted. So much for vintage seed experiment number 2. There are just my sad looking strawberry plants, a thank-you mustard plant and lots of weeds.


I am very optimistic however, that these organic shallots, which took it upon themselves to sprout so nicely in the kitchen, will grow quite well in the garden and I am going to plant them and harvest them.

Perhaps they will sprout again once they are harvested? Only time will tell. The funny thing is I thought shallots were like scallions, not onions. Oooops!

Sugar-free Bacon??

I'm hoping someone will step up to the plate and help me out with this one. I can't eat bacon and don't believe in Splenda.

I'm also hoping that no one will notice this has expired. I put it in the fridge......

In Search of the Elusive Tahini

Recently, there was no hummus. A certain person is addicted to it. This person said to me, "I'm out of hummus, I'd make my own but I can't find any tahini in the store."



But I found some in the fridge.

And in the pantry. It was kind of like 'Where's Waldo' but a whole lot easier.

So, who's going to tell her......

Vintage Spices - I'm Now Taking Bets

On exactly how old this retro celery salt is. It looks to be from somewhere around 1970. Mmmmm. Apparently this is not a frequently used item. I also think it doesn't go bad. It smelled okay anyway, but what do you really use celery salt for anyway.

I'm in need of some recipes, any suggestions Timmy?

Vintage Spices - For Your Information

From now on, all nutmeg consumption in this household will be vintage.

ENJOY!!!

Vintage Spices - Dill Edition

I put this stuff on my popcorn every time I have it. It tastes good but really, no one has any idea how old it really is.

Toasted Fudge

I found two jars of old fluff that were crystallizing in the pantry and decided to make something that would get rid of them. As anyone from the northeast, birthplace of Fluff, might agree, not only is Fluff fantastic but so is the Never Fail Fudge recipe on the back. So far in my life it has lived up to it's name. I also thought it would make a two-fer since I could add a bunch of the remaining old chocolate chips.

Now for those who aren't aquainted with my cooking skills, I have about a 15% failure rate on my cooking projects. Not only that, when I fail, I it's with a certain rare skill that makes my failures very notable. Nonetheless I went ahead with the fudgemaking happily.


So, I put all the ingredients out. Notice the brand new evaporated milk. It was purchased specifically for this project since the others weren't safe to use.

The jars of fluff weren't terribly bad looking but poking around I found some crystallized sugar and no expiration date (I had previously tossed 2 containers of fossilized fluff but I forgot to photograph them).

Scooping out the Fluff showed that the corn syrup is apparently separating out of the mixture. Um, gross.

And it was happening on both.

So I put the first ingredients in the pan and turned it on high. My default temperature for cooking anything is high. I once was dumbfounded during a conversation with someone who was talking about microwaving chicken on some special setting. Again, my microwaving consists of putting something in and putting in a number (meaning I cook EVERYTHING on high). You may also remember the cupcakes I tryed to soften in the microwave.

I then set everything up, with the temperature on high, and the phone rang. I was asked to water some plants and not wanting to forget and be yelled at I went out, cordless phone in hand, to water them.

BAD IDEA!!

Did I mention that I also put the ingredients in a pan that was way too small? I came back in when I was told I might want to look at what I had on the stove. This was relayed in a very calm voice which didn't prepare me for what I was walking into. The stuff (fluff, 5 cups of sugar and butter) was bubbling all over and smelled like burned sugar. Uh oh. I didn't think the fudge was supposed to be brown so soon, the chocolate hadn't been added yet, but I poured the mixture into a larger bowl.

Turned the heat down to medium and began to pick the brown and black chunks of burned sugar out of the bottom.

Kept cooking......

And cooking......

And made fudge. I left it on the counter to cool for a while and found that we have mice.

Mice that figured out how to get a knife out of the drawer and cut a nice piece of fudge for themselves to eat. The fudge was actually not as bad as I thought it would be but it does taste like a chocolate marshmallow that was being toasted over a campfire and was blackened on the outside. Perhaps in a graham cracker it would taste like s'mores?

I think the bigger problem is how to clean that first pan.

Luckily for me I still have some 13 year old baking soda to help!!!

Too bad it doesn't work!!!! Time to get out the power tools and drill the black stuff off the bottom of the pan again. And no I'm not joking.

Again, don't judge me....

What Do You Do With 13 Year Old Baking Soda?

Why you use it to clean the sink after you've dumped 5 cans of expired food down it!!!



I had dumped tomato paste, mandarin oranges, 2 cans of milk and pear nectar down the drain at once. What better way to clean the sink than to use vintage baking soda.

I used about 3/4 of the box, dumping it on liberally.

And scrubbed it with a vintage sponge which found it's way into the trash after the cleaning was done.

I'm assuming baking soda that old won't make things rise or whatever it does in baking. With a LOT of scrubbing though, it cleaned the sink fairly well! :)

Another Imported Chinese Product Warning

Mandarin oranges!!!! Nasty, leaky and only 2 years past their expiration date. Oh well, down the drain they go! Even I'm not brave enough to try this one!!

Should Caramel Sauce Be Runny?

I always thought it should be kind of thickish, not runny like salad dressing. Tasted great for expiring 2 years ago anyway. And, as an added bonus, it disguises the taste of coffee ice cream!!

Hmmm, delicious and clears space in the cupboard? Sounds like a win-win!! I think I'll have some more.

What Does Botulism Smell Like?

This pear nectar smelled really, really good and I was so tempted to drink it but the can was bulgey. I had to remind myself that my emergency room copay is $150 and I don't really want to spend that unnecessarily. Besides, how do you explain this blog to an emergency room professional and that I 'just had to take the chance'.

Bloody Tomato Paste

So according to that book Fast Food Nation, ConAgra puts people in it's ground beef. Not on purpose but if they fall in they don't stop the machine to clean it out (and you thought vintage food was gross).

Knowing this I was not surprised to find out that this can of tomato paste had congealed blood dripping down the side of it. Looks like someone fell in again and no one bothered to clean the blood up - although there's only really enough blood for a finger to have been lost. Still gross though.

This can expired in December 2007 and smelled metallicy (this is a made-up word and I can spell it how I want) so I just put it down the drain.

Vintage Milks - The Gross Ice Milk Edition

So as some of you might remember some ice milk was created a few weeks ago. It was not posted though, that a chocolate chip version was made. It was just as bad as the chocolate cherry version.




It was super vintage having the chocolate chips (which expired in 2007 and didn't respond well to being frozen) and having the previously frozen egg yolks in it.

Super vintage and super disappointing.

Vintage Milks - Whipping Cream

So this is one of the few vintage milk items I actually tried since it didn't smell funny and I had no plans to leave the house for the rest of the day. It expired in January (the 31st to be exact as you can probably see in the photo).


I had just seen a McDonalds commercial where they put whipped cream on the top of their iced coffee and thought I'd try that. I thought whipping cream would do it given the name. I took out a whisk and tried to whip it for about 5 minutes until I got carpal tunnel syndrome with no success. When I finally got tired and thought it was a bit fluffy it just sunk to the bottom of the coffee I put it in.

All I really got was a whole lot of calories stuck to the bottom of the glass but I didn't get sick. Whew!

Vintage Milks - Milk Chocolate

I'm afraid this one is mine. Way back when I was in school and working I would be gone for up to 16 hours at a time. Being a student I didn't have the money to buy food so I went on a quest to find tasty flat food.

Sandwiches were an obvious choice, as were bananas (they weren't so portable though). I also tried every single processed food bar available - Luna bars, Power bars and on and on. Most of them were fairly disgusting and dry and tasted like fiber and I almost gave up. That is until I found the Slim-Fast bars. They call it a Meal Option but really they are candy bars with vitamins (and they have one that tastes like Butterfinger candy bars and Milky Way bars).

This one obviously wasn't delicious enough and I found it hidden in a bag I haven't used for years. Five years to be exact.

I tried to eat it but made it as far as one bite, which I promptly spit out. All of the chocolatey goodness was gone and eating the bar was like chewing a vitamin pill.

For reals, it was nasty!

Vintage Milks - Evaporated Milk Edition

I opened this milk expecting the worst. It wasn't rancid, thankfully. It did have a 1/4" film on the top of the can which peeled off under running water (well a LOT of hot running water). It smelled like cream of mushroom soup. Kind of gross when you're expecting milk although I suppose that's what the soup is made of.


The best part was the sticker on the top stating that it's your secret ingredient to rich creamy taste. Perhaps that should have been changed to 'your secret ingredient to yellow chunks and food-borne illness'.

Needless to say this went down the sink as well.

Vintage Milks - Extremely Condensed Milk

I was planning on combining this with some ancient fluff (coming soon) to see what the result would be. Since it expired in August of 2006 and it is a gooey mess, I thought better of it.

Yay!! A video!!!!

Now everyone can see how disgustingly sticky this is. It's stickier than pudding and a bit like rubber cement. I didn't try it but it certainly gave the garbage disposal a workout...